Started out on a journey last August… SSI…
I’m still embarrassed to talk about it to my friends.
I don’t like the questions “are you in school?” or “where do you work?”… Because the answers are the same “No” and “I don’t have a job” and what follows is inevitable “Why?”…
So I try to avoid the questions and dance around them carefully.
I was denied the first round in April and received a call on Friday saying I’d been denied again.
Now it’s time to face a magistrate.
Trying to keep optimistic as I was told “At least it only took 3 months for a decision to be made the second time as opposed to the 6-9 month window, now we can get going with the next step.”
I don’t think people realize just how hard it is to interact socially in a work setting… and not JUST in a work setting.
I was out with friends, good group, and had a panic attack full on in the bathroom a couple weeks ago, talk about embarrassing. One real good friend came and just stayed with me through it. Lending an ear if I wished to talk but just being present was so helpful. Even after about 30-45mins though, I was not okay to drive. As I started to shake and go into seizure mode. It’s so scary and frustrating. Though I do my best to hide it… by hiding myself.
Anyway… just trying to keep positive that someone will see the true hurt and turmoil I do deal with and realize that I just have not been able to keep a job and it is hurting my life/style/situation. It would be nice to think I had the money to cover bills accordingly instead of relying on my parents.
They have done so much for me and I wouldn’t be here where I am without them. I am so very grateful for the support system I do have.
I started a free group meditation in October after the death of our neighbor. It was a rough time for many people involved.
But I went to meditation, one of the family members suggested it to me. I was hesitant and let’s say I came home and was NOT pleased.
The set-up is normally a reading or voice clip on which we discuss, today it was out of the book You Are Here by Thich Naht Hahn. After we discuss the topic for a bit and then go into silent meditation for 10-30 minutes. And after that we can discuss any feelings, bring up thoughts, etc. And have tea and socialize for a bit for the evening.
Now the first time I went the topic, the reading, was on death… let’s say going to meditation to get away from all that was happening next door and the death of a neighbor was not going as planned.
It was the idea of realizing “we are going to pass one day” and how to live life “in the now”. Which is a mighty fine thing… if you aren’t dealing with death at that current moment.
Though I decided to give it a second try, as I do try to do with many things/activities (give it a fair shot, at least 2 tries). And let’s say I’ve been going on and off to meditation since this past October.
I couldn’t be happier to have been steered toward this amazing meditation group, even if that wasn’t my original thought.
I have been away from the group for a good chunk of time and going back tonight felt amazing! It’s crazy when you do something that you haven’t done in awhile and think “why did I stop doing this?!”.
None the less, I am feeling much more at ease and relaxed and am very grateful for the day!
Took so many photos yesterday. Here are some of my favorites!
(to see them all please check out my photo page : https://www.facebook.com/flyawayphotos.ll )
Sun high in the sky
Bright bursts of moving color
Insects flap their wings